Sony’s New Useless Piece of Sh*t


Tech-savvy consumers are lining up today to be the first to purchase Sony’s

brand-new Stupid Piece of Shit that doesn’t do the goddamn thing it’s

fucking supposed to. Onion News Network Tech Trends reporter Jeff Tate has

more.

Thanks, Brandon! It’s being called the biggest fucking waste of your

hard-earned money to come along in years. Sony’s new Stupid Box Thing hit

the shelves of crowded malls and overpriced electronic stores around the

country today.

It’s got a whole bunch more… memory and megapixels, and what not than any

of the other TV shit that I already have. I can’t wait to get home and spend

my whole fucking night trying to figure the goddamn thing out.

If you can somehow claw and bite your way through the impossible to open

packaging, this Stupid Piece of Shit offers a wide variety of

frustrating-as-hell functions, including flashing random fucking words and

numbers on its display screen not coming with the fucking little doohickey

thing it’s supposed to, and being goddamned ass backward as fuck. Sony’s spokesman  Alan Compton said the company designed this

sucking fucking goddamn thing to make everyone in the modern home want to

tear their fucking eyeballs out.

We listened hard to what our customers said. They wanted the most out of

their home entertainment system and then we pumped out this impossible to

use fucking piece of shit.

Anyone mystified by the device’s numerous extraneous features can scroll

through the interactive help menu, a labyrinthy maze of indecipherable topics of

use to fucking no-one.

We want people to be screaming in unison from houses across the country

“Work, work, you cock-sucking piece of shit! What is wrong with you? Why

can’t you work like a normal machine?”

With a hundred million dollar nationwide campaign to plaster irritating ass

advertisements for the retarded hunk of garbage every single goddamn place

you look, Sony is expecting it to become the next fucking gizmo you

absolutely have to fucking own if you don’t want to feel like a toothless

hillbilly living in some hillbilly shack somewhere.

I love bullshit like this. You know… I’d… basically I’ll buy any goddamn

thing that I see in an ad.

The fucking piece of shit is available now, so run out and pick one up, and

invite all of your friends over to see if any of them can figure out this

motherfucking time vampire. Unless one of them is a rocket scientist, Sony

pretty much guaran-fucking-tees they have no chance. For the Onion News

Network, I’m Jeff Tate.

Thanks, Jeff. Sony says they plan to release an upgraded 800 gigabyte

version of this Piece of Shit by the end of the year… just when you’ve

figured out the goddamn remote control for this one. It never ends… this

sh…it.

4 Responses to “Sony’s New Useless Piece of Sh*t”

  1. Titiritero says:

    ¿El Cell BE de sony y compañía es una mierda?

  2. Titiritero says:

    Y eso de poner asteriscos. ¡ES PLAGIO!

  3. Titiritero says:

    Estos ministros norueguiles mira que son…

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